Named with Purpose

I have to admit there's a lot that I would like to write in this blog. There are many stories I hope to remember for years to come. There are feelings I have already forgotten that will not be recorded. But the days slip by, the energy evades me, and mostly the brain power has just plain left me.

But tonight, I'm letting the guard down, laying out all of cards and writing to my son so he knows just how on purpose he is...

Before Lucy was conceived, we struggled with infertility. Like see a doctor, pay thousands of dollars for testing, chart your cycle kinda infertility. Maybe you remember before Lucy was conceived, we lost our little Poppy. She was about 6 weeks old when I miscarried her. When I miscarried her.

Then I sank and sank and sank. Until I was drowning. Until it hurt to take in any air. Until I couldn't scream for help. All I could do was whisper "Jason, I can't lose another one.". Maybe what I was also saying is "God, take me to her. Let me be with my Poppy. Don't make me keep waiting to be her mommy. Please."

The day after my husband lifted me off our bedroom floor, the day after mothers day 2010, I started the cycle that lead to our Beautiful Light. Some people might think it's cheesy or even ridiculous, but we have named both of our children on purpose, with purpose. Lucy Belle came to us in a fury of beauty. She literally filled my deep darkness with light. She brought back what I couldn't find. And she showed me that even though it was tough, God's beautiful light always lived within me.

In early July 2011, we visited our reproductive specialist again. I was very nervous about taking birth control measures, especially something hormonally based, after Lucy was born. What if my whole endocrine system went haywire again? Would I get to have another baby? Would it be as difficult to conceive? Apparently, Lucy flipped some kinda switch and I became fertile myrtle after her birth. Two weeks after that consult, I was pregnant. With my son. And with a promise.

Colt has been a covenant since his very beginning. At that fertility consult, I had an ultrasound to inspect the physicality of my womanhood for reproductive purposes. I was preparing to ovulate that day. That ovum was my contribution to a person, an intentional person. That day we saw our son before he became our son. That was promising.

As we tossed around names (for what seems like forever), nothing fit this baby. I had decided long ago I needed a Jackson. Then everyone had a Jackson and I gave up that dream. Then I knew I was having a Rhett. And while I love that name, it reminded me a stuffed dog- one that had been thoroughly loved on and cuddled, maybe some stitching missing here and there. But then I saw him. This boy, knit together within me.

He was strong. Full. Broad. Somehow more confident with himself than I've ever been. He wasn't a cuddly old dog, he is a thoroughbred. A champion. And yet, he is also my greatest covenant with God. Let me explain.

Now, after losing all my hope, my strength, my will, I asked and begged for my children. Lucy was gifted to me. She filled me, making me the woman I yearned to be. (She also turned me into a zombie, with awful hair days, pitiful dark circles and zero brain power. But that's another story.)

While Lucy made me a mom, Colt made me aware that God believed in me as that mom. How else could someone have 2 children within 14 months?! Clearly, the Lord is saying "I know how deeply you felt lost. Now you can see the many blessings I had in store for you. You have been patient and endured, and now I will richly bless you."

Ok, a little disclaimer: this isn't theology and it isn't any comment on your life, your beliefs, your friends' experience, etc. These are SIMPLY my feelings about MY experience. So please don't read this an any comment on anything other than that. It's not.

When we thought about names for a boy, we knew we wanted to use my mother in law's maiden name: Montgomery. It has special memories for Jason and it is a good hardy name for anyone. And that's where we got stuck- something Montgomery Colliver.

This is a good time to begin explaining the covenant I feel with God. When we decided to use Montgomery, we were actually pregnant with and naming Lucy. We had no idea what would happen over the upcoming year. However, about a month after we completely named Colt, his Nana was diagnosed with a rare form of uterine cancer. I haven't ever said a whole lot about this. But it scared me when we got that phone call. I cried silently before we even said our goodbyes. And I cried for quite some time afterward. Becky is my mother in law, but she's my mother before she's an in law. I had no desire to watch her hurt, especially with some crazy cancer.

As we traveled to be together with family for Christmas in the day or so after that call, a sense of reassurance covered me. Colt Montgomery Colliver. My covenant. God had already made a way to get my sweet mother in law through surgery, recovery, chemo, radiation, whatever. God promised it through her namesake. Our Colt. Never once since then have I worried. Becky, or Nana as we usually call her in our house, is strong. She is wildly passionate, has relentless grace, and tremendous endurance. She is a thoroughbred... and a wildcat! ;)

This woman is promised to my son. God knows that Colt needs her and will look to her for things no one else can provide. And therefore, God's covenant covers Nana. I have no doubt.

Maybe a week after Thanksgiving, Jason and I were laying in bed (praying Lucy would stay asleep), fighting over names. "But I think his name is... I hate that name... I like the name but I use to date someone..." Jason pulled up another website with "Southern" boy names. It linked us to something else and then another something. Finally, he said, in a long, tiring list, Colton.

I sat up in bed. "That is it. His name is Colt." Literally, those words came from my mouth. Jason kinda looked at me "Colton? Really?" "No, I'd never call him that. His name is Colt." Jason's response was simply something like ok.

We tried it on for a few days. We tried to find something else. We never did. Nothing came close. Colt Montgomery Colliver.

In Lucy's room, we hung a name plate. It reads "Lucy Belle: Beautiful Light" and then it has her bible verse. This was a matter of prayer for us. We spent a lot of time finding a verse that said everything we felt at that time. We decided on 2 Corinthians 4: 5-6. We used the Message. It's perfect. I suggest you read it;)

We knew Colt needed something similar. And so we poured over translations of Colt and Montgomery. We studied the names. Seriously, we are scholars now. It was a good deal of work. Colt's name plate reads "Colt Montgomery: young, powerful man of The Rock". (High five to us!) Now some of you will be more familiar with the verse we picked for Colt. I knew from the moment we began the conversation that I had the perfect verse for him.

This child was made by God, created with great purpose and promise. The verse we picked actually chose me years ago.

"This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed; and Mizpah; for he said The Lord watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another." Genesis 31: 48-49 (King James)

Talk about bringing it all full circle, right?

Colt,
I will confess the goodness of God's great plan all the days of my life. You have brought healing, reassurance, comfort and peace to my life. You are a blessing and you were made with purpose, named with purpose and commissioned to go into the world with great purpose. Be a thoroughbred, baby boy. Be strong enough to have faith. Be confident enough to live and love with humility. I'll continue to pray for you as you join the world this week, take your first steps and walk off into your own life. Thank you for helping me grow into myself and into a deeper walk with God.

I love you so big,
Momma